Qayne's Rant Page/Blog Archive 2005

What? You want to know what happened to my wife? (I'm feeling just fine, thanks for asking! Sheesh.) Kitra was driving to work, happy that it was the day before Christmas Eve. She was looking forward to that evening because she was going to go down to Lewiston to pick up our granddaughter, Gabriella, so Gabriella could open up some presents and spend some time with us. Kitra was rounding a corner at the same time as another vehicle, when that vehicle's back end started sliding out into Kitra's lane! Car #2 hit Kitra's car at the front end of the driver's-side door and scraped a nice long gouge down to the rear door of our car.

Meanwhile, I'm at work, busily trying to look busy on the Friday before a holiday, when I get a call from Kitra: "I've been in an accident! Come get me!" "What?!" I exclaimed. "Where are you?" After she tells me, I grab my hat and coat and literally run out of my office and zip (while trying to remain around the legal speed limits) over to where she said she was. As I pull up to the area, I see my wife's car off the side of the road but I don't see her. I get out of my truck and start towards Kitra's car. One of our co-workers is there and hands me Kitra's phone and explains that she appears to be okay and there is a fireman inside with her (who wanted to make sure I wasn't freaking out). I continue on toward our car and finally see Kitra in the front seat, sitting very still, and the fireman in the back seat holding Kitra's head. If the fireman didn't want me to start freaking out, then it may have been a good idea to mention that he was simply holding her head as a precautionary measure until the EMTs arrived. Kitra was complaining about her left arm hurting, and really nothing else.

What seemed like an hour later, they drove Kitra off in the ambulance to the Pullman Regional Hospital. Hmm? What happened between the time I arrived and they took Kitra away? Oh, just a bunch of waiting for the firemen, EMTs, and policemen to arrive, assess the scene, and assist the injured. Oh, and cut our car to pieces in order to extract Kitra from the vehicle! Turns out the driver-side door was bowed inward in a way that prevented the door from opening, plus the impact of the crash dislodged the steering column and had Kitra pinned. So the rescue folks got out out their jaws of life and tried (unsuccessfully) to pry open the driver-side door. So they decided to cut off the front passenger-side door so they could pull Kitra out on that side. Except they found that wasn't going to work because she was pinned in too much and they were still worried about a possible neck or back injury. So they decided to cut the front and middle supports for the roof of the car, peel the roof back, and pull Kitra out. Which they did.

Then they checked her out and loaded her into the ambulance. At about 9:30 in the morning, I arrived at the hospital (shortly after Kitra had) and went back to see Kitra. For the next 5 hours we waited in the Emergency Room while they took X-rays, did a CAT scan, took more X-rays, pumped Kitra full of pain medication, and waited for somebody to tell us something! At one point the ER doctor did tell us that Kitra had broken her arm, but that was the only concrete piece of information we had. He also mentioned that she would likely need surgery to repair the damage, but that we would have to wait for the orthopedic surgeon to determine that. Around this same time, we were told that Kitra would be admitted into the hospital. Which she was at about two or two-thirty.

We then proceeded to wait for the surgeon to arrive. In the meantime, Kitra is in so much pain that they dope her up enough so she can sleep. of course, the nurses come every 45-60 minutes to check her vitals, so Kitra isn't getting uninterrupted rest. Every once in a while, Kitra or I would ask what was taking so long. We were told a couple times that the surgery would probably be between six and seven-thirty, and later we found out that both the surgeons had been called to Colfax (20 minutes away). At four o' clock, I left (Kitra was sleeping) to collect our daughter—I wanted Kitra to see Brittany before she went into surgery—and I returned right before 5. Shortly after we arrived, the surgeon did show up, confirmed that Kitra had broken her ulna and dislocated her radius, and would need surgery (to put a metal plate on her ulna). All we waiting on was for the OR to be available (there was a surgery going on at that time). Yes, we did ask if there was only one OR, and yes, the surgeon (very nice lady, btw) confirmed that indeed, there was more than one OR, however, only one OR was open (presumably because of the holidays). So, as soon as the OR became available, they would get Kitra in there.

At ten o' clock (!) they finally took Kitra into surgery. Apparently, the surgery before Kitra's had encountered difficulties, about another couple hours worth (as bad as Kitra was feeling, I felt sorry for the person already in surgery and his or her family). So, anyway, they took Kitra off and Brittany and I waited in her hospital room. Shortly before midnight, the surgeon came in (scaring the bejeezus out of me as I had been sleeping) and announced that everything went well and that Kitra was in Recovery. Seventy-five minutes later, they brought Kitra back into her room and got her settled. Brittany and I left about two-thirty and I went to sleep shortly after 3 AM.

"We're a Judeo-Christian nation. Of course we should have 'Merry Christmas' on signs there. Our Constitution guarantees us freedom of religion, not freedom from religion."

What really, really pisses me off is the hypocritical nature of militant Christian Americans in general. "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses," just as long as they carry a King James Bible and shout to the Lord! Instead of complaining that they are being persecuted (which is bullshit), Christian-Conservatives should just enjoy their holiday season and include (and respect) non-Christians (in what was a pagan holiday that the early Christians co-opted, btw) as much as possible. Who knows, they might even get a convert or two. But, no, the "turn the other cheek", "judge not, that ye be not judged" Christians would rather impose their terms and beliefs on anyone they identify as "not them" and wrap themselves in the American flag while doing it. Sickening.

I leave you with this sage observation:

This is a Christian country. Why, so is hell. Inasmuch as "Strait is the way and narrow is the gate, and few-few-are they that enter in thereat" has had the natural effect of making hell the only really prominent Christian community in any of the worlds; but we don't brag of this and certainly it is not proper to brag and boast that America is a Christian country when we all know that certainly five-sixths of our population could not enter in at the narrow gate. — Mark Twain in Eruption

Our cruise on the Carnival ship Imagination started off nice enough. We got on board after a forever long line at check in and were greeted very nicely. After finding our way to our cabin (a lovely 185 sq. ft. box with three double beds and a bathroom that could easily fit three if angled in correctly), we started exploring the ship. We found ourselves on the Lido deck where the deck party was going on. There was a calypso band playing and there was food and drink all around. Kitra bought the souvenir glass and Brittany got a tattoo (okay, it was an airbrushed tattoo). The ship had 3 or 4 pools and hot tubs located from bow to stern (which we never used, curiously enough) and there was even a basketball court, Ping-Pong tables, and a miniature golf course!

Later that evening, we attended our first dinner in the Pride Dining Room. There were three other people seated with us and over the course of the week, we all had a lovely time dining together. Our dining mates were a mother and her two lovely daughters from Massachusetts. It turns out that the mother had cruised before and kept telling us the little things we didn't know about, like who to tip when and that if you cruise multiple time with the ship you get a different looking card. Oh, yes, the Sail & Sign card. Basically, this card was our ship ID card and "credit" card—everything extra we ordered during our stay got charged to this card (and then charged to my credit card at the end of the voyage). Little things like soft drinks ($2.50 a pop ;-), Bingo cards (Kitra was only three numbers away from a $600 jackpot!), and, of course, souvenirs from the gift shop.

The next day was bad, however. We had run into some strong headwinds as we headed past the west side of Cuba and the ship was rocking back and forth, back and forth, back and fo— (excuse me!) Yes, we all got seasick. Eventually, our steward showed up to clean the room (which they did twice a day) and saw us all lying around looking green and pronounced, "Sea sick, eh?" He gave us some motion sickness pills and recommended some apples. We took the pills and then tried to eat some apples and other things, but we still felt sick and went back to the room and napped (one of the side effects of these pills is drowsiness). After a few hours we woke up feeling much better. So between 2 and 3 we went and had some lunch; we were all so hungry! And then three hours later it was our formal night dinner.

The thing about the Pride Dining Room was that you couldn't show up wearing shorts and a tank top. It was business casual at the very least. But they had a formal night in which tuxedos and dresses were recommended. I wore my best slacks and vest with my preacher man shirt (so called because it's a collarless white shirt with a black border at the top resembling a priest's collar).

The dinners were fancy-shmancy concoctions with some items I couldn't even pronounce, but what I was surprised about was how bland most things tasted. I came expecting a taste extravaganza! But they were just visual delights. Oh, well.

The next two days were our shore excursions days and this was when we had our real fun. First was Grand Cayman where we were to swim with stingrays and tour the island. While we had a great tour bus guide, the island of Grand Cayman is still rebuilding after being devastated by Hurricane Ivan a few years ago. In fact, because of a storm that came through the area a day or two before, our ship had to dock on the other side of the G.C. (the Georgetown port was closed) and we couldn't tour downtown Georgetown. But we did get to see some of the island, and then went to a turtle farm and saw these huge sea turtles and some baby ones that we got to hold. Then it was off to swim the fishes, er, stingrays. We took a 20-30 minute boat ride out to a sand bar and then jumped in where all these stingrays were swimming about. One swam by me and I put out my hand and felt the ray's underside. Then we waited in line as one of the guides held a ray and a photographer took our picture kissing the creature. Not a bad day, except for when we got back from Stingray City. Turns out there was an accident on the road near our departure point and our tour bus came later than expected. And then, because of the change in the ship's arrival point, all the shore excursions went out at the same time, which meant that we all arrived at our departure point to board our ship (and the folks from other two cruise ships docked near ours) AT THE SAME TIME! There were three very long lines and only one dock that could accommodate two tenders at a time. We waited in line for at least an hour before boarding our tender and getting back aboard. We were so exhausted from our day that after dinner we just went to bed, missing the evening show.

The next day we arrived in Jamaica. Unlike Cayman, Jamaica looked beautiful. We got our tour bus and were taken to a place that contained dolphins. We got to get in the water up to our knees, and a guide had a dolphin with us. The guide told us about dolphins, and he and the dolphin put on a little show. We got to pet and have our picture taken with the dolphin. It was amazing. There was something about the dolphin's eyes, the way she looked at us that made me feel some sort of connection with the animal. We all really enjoyed that encounter. Next we went to Dunns River Falls where we were to climb this waterfall area. After a long trek down to the shore, our group held hands and we started up the 600-foot falls. At a few points along the way we got pictures of us standing in front of some falls and we even got to slide down some rocks into a shallow pool. And all this was videotaped for posterity (and $40 if we wanted to take the experience home). We were supposed to go shopping after that in the downtown area, but after our experience with the vendors in Dunns River Falls, we decided we would just head back to the ship.

The thing about shopping in Jamaica is, nothing is free, even when they say it is. There is always the "tip." When we first arrived at DRF, Kitra was given a bead/shell necklace, and then he handed her one for me and one for Brittany. For free, he said. But after giving them to Kitra and she started to walk away, he asked for a tip. Kitra would have given him one, but the smallest bill she had was a twenty and the necklaces certainly weren't worth that. Kitra explained that and the guy graciously told her to tip him later. Once we were inside the park there was an elderly man holding onto a donkey adorned with baskets filled with colorful flowers. A younger man was nearby trying to get folks to take a picture with the donkey. Once you took your picture (with your own camera), the younger man asked for tip. Kitra by now was videotaping us as we walked to our destination and taped the men and the donkey. She, too, was asked for a tip. After our trek up the falls, we decided we were hungry and would get something to eat, but first we had to traverse the merchant's maze. As soon as we entered the labyrinth, we were accosted by anyone and everyone wanting us to look at their wares. We kept politely saying no, but they were insistent and not wanting to be too rude, we stopped to hear their spiel. Once we politely said no, they would hand us a token item, for free they said, for a tip. One guy tried to carve Brittany's name into a wooden idol, again for a tip, while I kept saying no thank you, and he would keep asking Brittany how to spell her name. I became more insistent in my "no thank you" and we walked on. Finally, we had had enough and decided to go back to the ship. If this was what shopping was like in Jamaica, we dumb Americans wanted nothing to do with it. This was the only minor thing that marred our experience in Jamaica.

Our final day at sea as we headed back to Miami was spent doing laundry, eating, watching some movies, and eating. Oh, and we took in our final "Vegas-style" production, and watched with delight as Brittany performed in a children's/teen talent show. She wowed the crowd with her dance moves (she was also one of two teen performers)! We packed up and Kitra and I took one final stroll out on deck under the stars.

All in all, not a bad experience, but to me it was really like being in a Vegas hotel that floated. Except for the shore excursions.

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin: Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke, A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl. To spin! A wilde release from Heavens yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl. The Hoke, the poke—banish now thy doubt Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.

Tee-hee!

Next up was Flash: Stop Motion by Mark Schultz. This one started out really strong but then kind of fizzled. I did like, however, that Wally derived some of his inner strength from someone very important in his life, though not the obvious person (I don't want to spoil anything for you if you do read it). Plus there were little bits of characterization that made me feel like I was reading a book about what it's like to be the fastest man alive. Also pretty good.

Then came JLA: Exterminators by Christopher Golden. This was a character extravaganza with heroes from the JSA and Teen Titans (and one of my all-time fave's—Nightwing—making a cameo!) showing up. It was enjoyable, but very little characterization. Not bad.

Next to last was Green Lantern: Hero's Quest by Dennis O'Neil. This was an unusual book in comparison to the others because it was told in the first person from Kyle Rayner's POV and because Kyle is just starting out as GL. I think it might have been better if it was told in the third person as Kyle comes off as really whiny and that got on my nerves, but I did like the focus on him being a new hero with big shoes to fill. An okay book.

Last was Superman: Never-Ending Battle by Roger Stern. I had been looking forward to the book that would focus on Superman, mostly to see how well written it would be (Supes is hard to write, I think). Mostly what I got was a JLA tale, with a little more focus on Superman. It almost seems as if Stern was writing a JLA novel and then was told, "We're releasing this as a Superman book, so could you flesh out the Superman scenes a bit?" Still a pretty good book, all in all.

Hi, all.

I'd like to invite you to visit or revisit (if you haven't done so in the last few months) the new and improved Textual Harassment, the forum about edge-writing I oversee at:

http://www.cafezeitgeist.com/textual.html

You'll find threads there you might be interested in concerning, among other things:

• upcoming conferences about innovative writing
• the blogosphere
• speculative fiction
• new books & journals
• cybertext/hypertext/game studies

Too, please consider posting about your own recent projects, and those that others engaged with alternative modes of fiction might like to hear about.

Thanks much!

First, Fantastic Four. First off, Jessica Alba is HOT! Johnny Storm, literally hot. The movie, not so much. The plot was thin and any characterization was glossed over. There was a lot of the elements of the Fantastic Four thrown in, but most of it just dangled there. There was the Baxter Building, Willie the mailman (played by that Marvel movie whore Stan the Man Lee), Ben's blind girlfriend Alicia, the blue bodysuits made of unstable molecules, etc.

I won't go into the minor, but annoying plot holes that I noticed, but instead will say that the movie looked good, but simply didn't deliver for me, like how cotton candy tastes good, but really doesn't do a whole lot for you. I did like, however, Johnny Storm. He had all the good lines, you know, all the ones they're showing in the previews? But still, some good, funny lines.

Unfortunately, the best thing about this movie seemed to me to be the special effects (the eye candy of which I spoke). As I said to my wife and daughter as we left the theatre, we are fortunate to live in a time when the technology is such that a man who becomes living flame looks real and we can believe it within the context of the movie and it doesn't look like some cheap gimmick.

And did I mention how hot Jessica Alba was? And the best shots of her wasn't when she was in the blue bodysuit.

One of the most compelling ideas about the film was towards the beginning when we find Bruce Wayne in a prison. To me, Bruce's desire to understand the criminal mind in this way—that he would live among them, ostensibly as one of them—says so much about how Bruce came to be the Batman in a way that I don't think the comics have ever touched on in 65 years (of course, I am not an avid reader of the comics and haven't collected any ongoing issues in over 10 years, so I could be wrong). Plus, I liked his rationale for choosing the bat as his symbol: he's afraid of them and wants to share that fear with the criminals he's going after. Much more plausible than some bat crashing through the mansion window as depicted in one of the early origin stories.

There are some plot holes in this movie, too, but because of all the other pluses, I was willing to let those slide. And the A-list actors weren't too bad for a "comic book" movie: Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Liam Neeson, Gary Oldman, Katie Holmes (I keed! I keed!).... Christian Bale does a wonderful turn as Bruce Wayne, but seems less than comfortable in the batsuit, but maybe that was his take on the character. However, as every long-time fan of Bats knows, Bruce Wayne became the mask the Batman wears and Bale plays it somewhat opposite of that. But we'll see how it progresses in the next film. And I didn't think Katie did too bad a job with what she was given. At least the whole romance angle was logically taken care of by film's end instead of it being ignored and written off in the next film with a throw-away line (as in the previous Batman films).

And thank god the nipples are gone! Joel Schumacher can still rot in hell for that, as well as the other travesties from his two Batman films (why the studio allowed him to do Batman & Robin after the horribleness of Batman Forever I'll never understand...).

• Waitstaff who hand you your drink from the top edge of the glass
• People who speed
• People who set off illegal fireworks
• Wet willies
• California stops
• People who don't wipe off the top of the ketchup (or any other sauce) bottle before closing the lid
• People who don't wash their hands after using the bathroom
• Air hankies
• Spitting
• People who throw their cigarettes out their vehicle window
• Gas-guzzling SUVs (redundant, I know)
• Restaurants that don't open a second till even though ten or more people are standing in line
• Being late
• Having to wait
• Attending weddings of people I do not know
• Someone knocking my cap off my head
• People who don't pick up after their dog
• George W. Bush
• People who support George W. Bush
• That you can find tons of Taz and Tweety merchandise, but very few Daffy items
• People that let their kids run around in diapers and snot dripping down their children's faces
• People who call but won't leave a message (or say who they are) for the person who isn't there
• Parents that don't care enough about their kids to know where they are, what they're doing, and who they are with
• Loud people
• People who talk too much

And his death wasn't even for something worthy (sure, they made it look that way, but it really wasn't). And it seemed somewhat out of character. No, scratch that. It was just absurd. A plot device. Unworthy. And to make matters worse, his death seemed to have no effect on anyone. Bleh.

Why the big deal, you ask? It wasn't that good of a show, let alone a good Star Trek show. True, true, but, and I know I'm geeky for admitting this, but I like Star Trek. I am a Trekkie. I was a Trekkie before "Trekker" became the hipper (isn't that an oxymoron?) label. I love the ships and warp speed and phasers and transporters and Vulcans and Star Fleet and the uniforms and.... Just love it, plain and simple, so when they (TPTB) screw something up, I get irritated, and occasionally mad. Simply put, Enterprise, despite its many faults, deserved better.

I am shocked, dismayed, disgusted, and incensed. What are these kids thinking? (Of course, that's a trick question. They can't possibly be really thinking or they wouldn't believe as they reportedly do.)

As soon as I felt the back end start to slide, I let off the accelerator, but we continued to slide. Fortunately, we were on a two-lane, one-way stretch of the highway, so I didn't have to worry about oncoming vehicles. What I was worried about was the strip of divider land off to the left. I knew that if we hit that dirt the way we were sliding, we would likely flip. At this time, I believe I cried out, "Oh shit! Oh shit!". We were already crossing into the left-hand lane and the divider was coming at us fast. And then I did something you are told to never do in these kinds of situations: I hit the brakes. Just a bit to slow us down in hopes to avoid flipping the truck. For some reason, it worked. Instead of throwing us into an unrecoverable spin, the tires gripped and I was able to straighten the truck out some before we crossed the left-hand lane and went into the divider. "Oh, fuck!" escaped my lips as we hit, going down into the divider and then back up (the middle part of the divider was a huge hump), slowly coming to a halt.

Then, of course, time resumed its regular pace (at least to me), and I yelled to my wife and daughter, "Are you all right?!" They were fine, if a bit spooked. My hands gripped the stearing wheel and my breaths came very quickly as I tried to calm down. When I let go of the stearing wheel, my hands shook ever so slightly as I reached for the door handle. I got out to check the truck, fearing that one or more of the tires had blown, or something worse had happened to make the truck undriveable. Surprisingly, everything seemed fine. I got back in and I started driving down the divider until the steepness lessened and I could drive back up onto the highway.

And you know what really pissed me off? (Aside from my irresponsible act of not slowing down when the hail hit.) No one stopped! Not even the person who was behind us when all this occurred who could not have possibly missed the event. Nor any of the others who later passed us after we were off the road. No one. The world is full of a bunch of selfish assholes.

Save Veronica Mars!

Okay, so I'm a little miffed at being rejected (What? My story isn't good enough for you?)—you know, the typical rejected writer crap. But really, I understand them not wanting the piece as I was warned all along that it might not make it. BUT IT TOOK THEM 9 MONTHS TO MAKE UP THEIR FREAKING MINDS?! C'MON!!! Not very professional, IMVHO.

So why did I wait that long? Because it was a good online magazine (for one, they paid!) and I would have been proud to have been published in it. And I still hope to be printed in the print version if it survives. But I sure as hell won't wait that long again.